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02:58am 09/01/2003
  Everyone having a decent year so far?

Mine is super. Thanks for asking. It would be even better if my mail would come in. I think those damned postal workers have something against me. Yeah, well they should, you know. They really should. But nevermind. Saying that just makes me seem like some crazed letter-bomber.

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07:18am 26/12/2002
  After a long hiatus, I have returned. This time, instead of finding that people have decided to destroy every last shred of confidence I have and stop reading my journal, there were people who decided to put dearest me on their "friends list" so they could get updates. What? No really, I am as confused as you are. So my existance, while not any more validated than before, is at least more I.N.T.E.R.E.S.T.I.N.G than before (seemingly).

So now I can turn on the news and see how technology will destroy humanity with the dawning of the new year, or some rot like that, instead of seeing stories that feature little terriers with santa hats on. Relief? Maybe. It depends on your perspective. That of which I have none.
But still, I couldn't escape the holiday joy. Coz sent me a copy of my own book... autographed by himself. It was 'wrapped' in a brown paper bag with smiley face stamps all over it. "The boy ain't right," as a cartoon Texan would say. But you can't help but to love the little guy. WHO IS A CUTE LITTLE COZZIE WOZZIE?!
And Phil, well, he sent me a beautifully wrapped package, accented with gold mesh ribbons with shots of red and green, and holly as a garnish for the bow. I didn't really want to open it, because the presentation of it was rather nice, and I didn't want to disturb it. But I did, and found a back massager buried underneath hundreds of tiny wintergreen mints. So, Phil, thank you very much.
Everyone else is too fucking good to remember that I exist. Either that, or they don't think I get into all of this holiday crap. Well I do. I do, damnit.

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday-like thing, whatever holiday-like thing you celebrate. And if you don't celebrate... I hope you had a good whatever.

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10:52pm 31/08/2002
  I can't think of anything to say at the moment.
I just thought I would let everyone know that I am alive, barely.


this is nothing but a massive sigh   
03:13am 01/07/2002
  I have been wrapped up in a lot of minor things lately, which have kept me not only from updating, but from eating, sleeping, and human contact as well. I've managed to find enough time to get some exercise in, which teamed with not eating as heartily as I would normally has caused me to become rather weak. Weakness is not good for the immune system, as I've known for quite some time, and was proven again when I was laid out by some odd summer cold that is refusing to leave my system.

Is it possible to get this far in your life, and still not know what you are going to do? I seem to be planning it all out, when everything is over already.

Fuck you guys. I understand you're out working on the new album, but that is no excuse for the lack of contact. You're all fired. Yes, you heard me.



03:13am 21/06/2002
  I see that the "cluster" that my journal is stored on has just went under upgrades. So THAT is why things have been working so oddly. Hopefully all will be well rather soon.

I find it quite amazing how one moment can alter your life forever. I was visiting one of my old friend's websites earlier, remembering what good times we had together. How much we had helped eachother out, just listening to our meaningless ramblings and such. And then one day, being the hypersensitive fuck that I am, I had to ruin everything. I spouted off a lot of things that I meant at the time, and knew I wouldn't mean in the future. But the fact that I wouldn't feel that way for very long did not matter in the least. It ruined our friendship. And ruined relationships with mutual friends. Most of our mutual friends took his side, slashing me down at every chance they got. I still haven't made my peace with most of them. I'm not even sure if I made peace with him, either. But we got to a point where we stopped talking comfortably.
And now I see that he is having a hard time, and doesn't seem to care much about it anymore. I do not want to run in my skivies and try and fix everything, either. It isn't my place anymore. I am saddened to know that he is self-mutilating again, living in an old run-down apartment, watching friends of friends drop like flies. What can I really do about that? It just isn't my place anymore. I wish him the best, good health and good fortune, but I have to allow myself to walk away from it all.
The past is a hard thing to leave behind.


02:20am 19/06/2002
mood: decent
I'm having a bit of trouble with managing LJ at the moment, as someone just saw. I'm not quite in my mind today. It will get better though. And the fact that there are some sort of database updates going on? I guess that is leaving everything in the area in a mess.

Today was not as much of an upset as I thought it would be. Plans didn't go as, well, planned, but it turned out in the end. I had the chance to speak to an old friend, laughed at his new car, comforted his lonliness (which he has been doing quite well on his own), and agreed to spend time together another time before he ships off again. Amazing that I have friends, eh? Well, I am quite shocked.

Today is my day off. I am going to spend it in front of the television, and allowing my brain to turn into a gelatinous ooze for an hour or so. And to solidify it again, I'll take a walk around my estate. Such a beautiful morning... I shouldn't let it go to waste.


05:34am 12/06/2002
mood: introspective
That's a good thing.
And I have plenty of it.
The only thing I question is if I have a soul.
I think I do. I haven't sold it to anyone. I'm pretty sure I have developed it over the years. I've been known to let a little truth shine unto the world every now again. I have a bad habit of casting these pearls amoung swine though. Almost everything is falling on deaf ears. But that's not the case in hand. The real question is, in all of this, in all of my faults and failures, do I still shine through? Does the good in me still shine through? Is anyone seeing it? Or do they just see... err... know of... this awkward man who can slice someone in half with the drop of a hat? Am I anything more than what you read? Do I change anything? Have I helped anyone? Have I nurtured myself and others? Or have I just sat back and watch life pass me by? Has this all been a wonderful waste of time?

But I have spirit.
And that's a good thing.

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04:24am 06/06/2002
nothing is right.
everything is broken.
hello. my name is stanley. pleased to fucking meet you.



a less interesting entry, posted by a less interesting humanoid   
04:21am 04/06/2002
mood: restless
Well, I must say that I have gotten just what I deserve. I have not had enough time to update, or read these journals, or much of anything else for that matter. As would be expected in such a situation, I've had people drop me from their list. That suits me just fine, seeing as if I can return the favor with just a click of a button.

Not much has developed since my hiatus. thomyorke had a few demos for the new album sent over, and have been listening to those so I can get a good grasp of the projected theme for this round of music. "Parrot's Nest" is absolute shit compared to some of the other tracks that they have been playing with. All the more reason to make it their first single, I suppose. Of course, the release of the new album will be sometime in the next century, and that's all I know at the moment.
I still haven't been able to contact my publishing agent about my new novel. Of course, the new book will be published sometime after today, and hopefully before the end of days. Sometime in that time frame. I think. Maybe.

an ooc thing that you could ignore if you wanted to...Collapse )

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04:25am 18/05/2002
mood: rushed
i am coming out of my shell and meeting new people on this livejournal thing. i hate to seem like a bastard to anyone, keeping to myself and people i know, so i will venture out and try to make a few 'friends'. ready or not. (not directed to any of the people out there, but mostly to myself).
i will do this.


03:46am 17/05/2002
  Want to see something odd?

Alright, you may not really be able to see it, but just imagine it.

I am smiling.

I have had a somewhat decent day, meaning that it was really a beautiful day when miracles can happen. I woke up in horrible pain, but I was fortunate enough to have that swept from my mind by a surprise visit from one of my old friends. We sat around, chewed the fat, hit the town and stopped by a pub. We watched some people, very young and rude ones, getting ill off of their spirits. After the fun of seeing them turn shades of green and fill their hats with spill turned stale, I returned home and promised to keep better contact with him.
I doubt that I will remember to call him or write him a letter any time soon, but I do not want to let such thoughts spoil my good mood.


04:12am 16/05/2002
mood: empty
I feel completely robbed.
I think. I need. A cure.

Why do I have this... a pretty little journal in a happy little land of ignorant fucks and magical hopping bunnies feeding on hamburger people. This perverse little land, and I try to pull off being the SANE one. Its all a joke. I am such a joke. I would laugh at myself if I found it amusing. HA HA HA.
I am not happy all the time and that annoys you. When I am actually in bright spirits, you find my musings and mannerisms disturbing. Fuck you. No really, I mean that. From the bottom of my battered heart.

Must drown myself in work again. Oh, what a beautiful morning.

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now how's this for creepy?   
03:10am 15/05/2002
mood: amused
a stupid quiz that i'm too ashamed to post without cutting itCollapse )

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07:30pm 14/05/2002
mood: sore
People with their constant blah blah blah, hating what we do and whatnot. I think everyone would just be happier if we all left this LiveJournal place. I am staying, just to spite you all. And I say most everyone else will do the same. Just to spite you all.

In other news, I just ate a small hunk of garlic bread for my day's nutrition, and I have become quite ill because of it. Maybe I should take ed_obrien's "sun-time" remark of earlier into deeper consideration.

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02:11am 14/05/2002
mood: exhausted
Christ, I cannot think straight. I have this strong feeling that everything I say and do will be nothing but an excuse for people to shoot me down all over again. Maybe its lack of sleep. Maybe its lack of hearing that anyone even really cares. But is it really their fault? I am starting to wonder... maybe it is me. My fault. My problem. My whatever. It always seems to be that way. And here I realize that my gut feeling was right... everything I am saying at this moment in this journal is just another reason for people to cock their eyebrow at me and chuckle some condescending little snort.
I am just going to lie in bed and rot until I can formulate a plan to be myself and have everyone else comfortable with that.


writing once again...   
05:20am 12/05/2002
mood: depressed
When the clock chimes three times, you know it is four o'clock. Maybe you should go over and reset it, but what exactly is the point? You'll only have to set it back when the winter comes. You would be a fool to break away from it's harrowing monotony. The comfort of it's steady rhythm comes at a cost, but so does walking to your own beat... falling through the wide-spaced slats on the bridge between today and tomorrow, having the rest of the world step on your hands as they march on by. Is this your freedom? Is this why you refuse to go accordingly?
Maybe I'm a coward for not questioning this authority.
But I'll still set my watch forward as to not be beaten down.


01:47am 12/05/2002
mood: annoyed

Come get your fortune read!
Created by ptocheia

Luckily, the only Phil I know is just as bald as I am. I will still keep a close eye on that one, though...

I stayed somewhat awake until a few minutes after noon, when I finally collapsed on the couch. I remember warming up some left-over soup in the microwave, which was nowhere to be found when I woke up. I also had one of my favored winter blankets draped lightly over my crumpled clothes, which I had not taken with me to sleep. Did any of you come over while I was asleep? I know Coz has a bad habit of doing so, but he could have left a note for me (or at least told me if my soup was decent).
Had one of my old-time friends over, listening to him complain about his life, his health, and how I have it lucky in comparison to them. That is not something I want to hear. But I humored the dear man, nodded my head in agreement, counting my lucky stars or whatever. Sent him on his way after he ate all of my shortbread and got his cigar ashes all over my carpet, and remembered why I hardly ever answer the door.

And, well, that's about all...


06:14am 11/05/2002
mood: indifferent
A fact that may surprise you...
I'm not as insane as you think I am.

I've finally had some rather nice people take notice of me and add my humble journal to their "friends" list. jhonenvasquez and b_corgan are two that I am especially pleased with, seeing as if I greatly admire their contributions to society. The only thing I fear is that I am only riding on other people's fame, and that all of these nice people wouldn't have added me if it weren't for the likes of those people...
Yes. You know who they are.

And no, I have not just donned my morning robe with memories from a peaceful slumber. My sleeping patterns have returned to their more backwards approach. And since the sun is well over the hill's crest as we speak, I suppose I should fall into the vicious cycle of sleep-wake-work-sleep-wake-work once again.

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11:28pm 07/05/2002
mood: annoyed
Well, I've had my computer back for a few days now, but I haven't updated this thing because I am far behind on most everything. When am I not? But that's not the point. The point is, it took two weeks(?) to rebuild and upgrade memory, and that is most rediculous.
Note to self: The next time you need to have your computer serviced, don't bother. Just buy a new one.

Must try to catch a few hours of sleep (yes, my sleeping patterns have returned to "normal," sleeping at night and being awake in the day, etc), and then drag my leaden self back onto this monster to update some links on that little Radiohead site we run. I hope I haven't lost the links already...

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11:35am 01/05/2002
  I was just thinking last night and all, wondering why no one had been updating as of late. Apparently my amazing powers of thought have caused a reaction, as ed_obrien and colin_greenwood have updated for a change.
Colin lies. I haven't grounded him. Don't believe him for a minute. I'm the good guy here.
You don't believe me?

Anyway, I'm on an alien computer at the time, seeing as if I'm actually at the library. Remember when I said I had to crash my system and start over again? Yes, it was quite some time ago. Well, it's still not finished. So I actually had to venture out of the house, putting on dark clothes and thick sunglasses so I wouldn't suffocate under the thought of being seen/spied on. The problem is that it's dim in here, and I can't see a blasted thing. So I'm going to finish up what I was doing (I can't remember what I was doing) and go back home. Where I belong. Asleep. And such.


06:44pm 25/04/2002
mood: tired
I was trying to get to sleep last night at a decent hour, since I had to be at the library quite early with one of my aquaintances. That alone was too much to ask, since my sleep patterns sway more toward sleeping against sunlight and waking by moonlight, but I wanted to live life on the wild side and try something new.
Every single time I closed my eyes and started to doze off, I was rudely awaken but unpleasant images cranked out by my rebellious mind. Once, my friend looked up from her book and ripped her face off. Another time, I saw an egg in a nest of down, which cracked open, spilling over with white pill-shaped worms. The other images have been lost on me, but I do remember them as being quite disturbing.
I gave up on sleep, picked up a book, and strained my eyes by trying to read with a dim nightlight.

I've come up with another idea for a novel, before I even get my new one published (SHOCK SHOCK SHOCK!). A thriller, with a working title of Small Town X. The working title is important to the setting, just as the exclamation point is important to Catacombs of Terror!


04:29pm 20/04/2002
mood: moody
i'm sorry.
i didn't mean to say that.


04:28pm 20/04/2002
mood: moody
i don't care

and neither do you

i will hate myself in the morning for saying this

piss off. the whole fucking lot of you.

(1 thought | comment)

idle hands. mind on rampage.   
04:09am 17/04/2002
mood: calm
Long time, blah blah. I haven't been in the mood to get out of bed in the morning, much less update my journal. I apologize if I broke any hearts by my absence, but even thinking that is a waste of time. Nobody knows who I am other than "the guy who does all that wierd cover art."
Breathe. Its alright. Just. Breathe.

I am once again starting to hate my life as I live it. One of my friends told me, after he had been released from a mental ward a few days prior, that if a person can go to sleep at night and feel good about how they lived their life that day, that's when they know everything is alright. Which means that my existance as I know it is in complete chaos. I fall asleep every night thinking about how I've wasted my day, how I let powerless objects overrule my decisions, and how I have done nothing to escape the grip of this lonliness I've been caught up in. I wake up paralyzed, fearing those thoughts that will come when I lay myself down for another night, when the paralysis only causes me to be harder on myself.
Honestly, what have I done that is so great? What have I done that I can feel good about? [SILENCE FILLS AIR]

Enough of this chattering. "I'M FINE" is stretched across my forehead.


01:03am 14/04/2002
mood: exhausted
Even though you don't have a journal yet, and you might not see it here, I'd like to wish you luck with the marathon today, Phil.

Ah yes, and in case I forget, happy hatch day to ed_obrien on the 15th.
You're older than you've ever been.
And now you're even older.

I'd write more, but I'm exhausted. I'll probably update again in a few days. Maybe.

(1 thought | comment)

07:37pm 10/04/2002
mood: exhausted
I can barely move my legs for the exhaustion, sick to my stomach with a splitting headahce... thinking that if I drag my sorry self off of this heap, I'll miss something important. So instead of getting the well deserved (and badly spent) sleep I was speaking of earlier, I decided to see if I could fight the sunlight. Too bad the days are getting longer, thinning my chances of winning the game.

And where on earth did my cereal boxes go?

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09:50am 10/04/2002
mood: calm
It's amazing how you will unknowingly program yourself to carry out a task of some sort, or how habits can grow from infrequent occurances. For example: This computer keeps clacking every now and again - the same noise it makes when I'm about to be disconnected. Every single time I hear it clack, I look down to make sure my blinker is on. I'm not sure why, either. It's not like I made it a habit before, or that I would even recognize that noise if I weren't thinking about it, but I'm doing it as if it were just like breathing. Odd.

I slept through the day yesterday, for the first time in a month or so, and woke up when the clock struck midnight. I had many projects that I had to attend to, but I decided to take a night off and lurk the message board. I had nothing to say, but I did enjoy watching everyone else.
And now as I retire for sleep once again, I realize that it was all a mistake. A day wasted is just another day I have to work afterwards.

Oh, and Colin, my analysis of your aching ear is that when Thom flicked it, he must have upset some brain parasites that were living in your skull. With that sudden, yet seemingly harmless jolt, they have become quite irritated, and will more than likely eat away at your ear slowly until it finally falls off. Not to worry, you'll always have your other ear.

With that, I must bid you all goodnight. Sleep well.

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05:12am 09/04/2002
mood: indifferent
colin_greenwood now has a journal. And jonny_greenwood is still MIA to LJ.

Is that better, Colin?

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04:22am 09/04/2002
mood: aggravated
take a step outside. have the have the dogs rip your leg off. laughing wildly while licking your blood of their muzzles. alive enough to feel the pain. alive enough to see them grinning.

i don't know why i even try.

must retire before someone rips the curtains open, eh?

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07:04pm 08/04/2002
mood: drained
I skipped a day. Someone stole my today? Oh, nevermind. No one reads my work, so that reference is very much lost on the world.

I tried to clear my mind last night by doing some freewriting, scrawled on my paper absent mindedly in verses for about five minutes, and I'm quite ashamed of what I wrote. I shouldn't be ashamed whatsoever, but to see the level of sugar-coated resentment I hold, even when I'm in better moods, is rather trying on someone's analytical mind. Of course, you can read a verse and tell me what your thoughts are. I think I know what I was trying to tell myself, but there maybe more facets to this than I'm allowing myself to see.
racecars and popsicle sticks
blaze on fire
trailing an angel
who lost her wings.
she fed me on bottles
and sweet little lies,
then left me alone
to choke it all down.

Thom is pouting over his eye again. Jonny is still MIA to LJ. And colin_greenwood now has a journal.

Have a nice day.

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